Insights into Marriage, Dating, Trauma, Introversion, Spiritual Growth

Objectivity in Dating - Part III

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part II.

Flaws

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others. If you marry someone who is farther away, you will need to invest more effort up front to have a working relationship. When someone like Sally is “in love,” he or she will more easily overlook flaws. This can happen because Sally let herself be in such a need to find a car that she is desperate to have the first one that appears to make her feel comfortable. Desperation directly results in a loss of objectivity. The longer she spends with the car, the more attached she becomes to it.

Be Objective, then Subjective

Attachment and passion are subjective. This is good because they can keep a couple together – after they have committed to each other. But before marriage and before going on too many dates, it is important to stay objective and evaluate a potential mate. This requires patience and being tough, some would say. When you are first meeting someone, this is the time you are most objective. The longer you know someone the harder it is to be objective. That is why it is so hard to break up with someone the longer you have spent together – you’ve already formed an attachment. Staying objective early on prevents you from getting into a relationship with a person who is not ready to be in a relationship – due to “maintenance needs”.

Conclusion

The process of selecting a date or a mate is a subjective one. It is supposed to be. But for these very reasons, it can also be a daunting one. Seeing a counselor during this time provides the added objectivity to help you sort through your values and feelings so you can make a wise decision. NRC counselors are available to help you find the right person and be the right person.

Reflections

1. Be willing to act tough (look objectively) on where you are at in your relationship (it's maturity), while offering total acceptance of each other.
2. Consider bringing your relationship in front of a pair of trained eyes, so you can work through any difficulties early in your relationship.

Resources

1 Cor 13:7-8

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Read on Bible Gateway

Ro 12:9-10

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another ... in honor giving preference to one another.

Read on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating - Part II

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part I.

Sally

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car - she is. She makes arrangements to take it to a mechanic and finds an alternate way to work. The mechanic calls her later that day with the news, “Your car needs $477 worth of repairs to get it working again. There’s also an oil leak. It will eventually need to be fixed and it will be at least $2000.” “Whoa,” reels Sally, “this car I love is costing me dearly!”

This could happen to anyone. Even if a person is careful to select a mate, there are no guarantees. Our relationships will always require hard work. However, it is possible to do our part to avoid unnecessary heartache. It would be nice to think God would always prevent us from buying a car that needed a lot of work, but He doesn’t. At least He doesn’t all the time. And He is less likely (or we are less able to hear Him) if we are not praying and asking Him to help us make the decision.

A Better Way

Let’s take a closer look at what Sally could have done differently to reduce the likelihood of getting a lemon (but note that once you have a lemon you make lemonade). First, it is positive that she took the car for many test drives. This provides opportunities to experience the car and see how it performs in more than just one drive. However, if Sally has already determined that this car is the one for her, she has already lost most of her objectivity. So while continuing to spend more time with her selection, she is only “falling more in love” which means she is increasingly more likely to overlook any flaws.

To Be Continued

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others... Stay tuned next week for Part III.

Reflections

1. Before you are married, are you both feeling "in love" and maintaining objectivity to choose the right person at the right time?
2. After you are married, are you acting like an "owner" or are you still thinking like a "renter"?

Resources

Luke 14:28-30

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’

Read on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating - Part I

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. Let’s consider an example to illustrate this idea.

Sally's Story

Sally, 24 years old and a recent college graduate, needs to find transportation quickly so she can get to work every day. She looks around and takes a car for a test drive. She likes the color, feels comfortable sitting in the car, the car looks to be in good shape, and the car handles the road with ease. It is love at first sight! She comes back the next day and the next, taking the car on drives. Each time she takes the car out for longer drives. Sally is in love with this car!

Sally plans the date of purchase (the wedding), signs the financial papers and finally drives the car away never to return because she is now the proud owner. From this moment forward, everything is different. Sally must drive this car everywhere she goes. She needs this car to take her to work every day. She has to take the car in for maintenance to get the oil changed, rotate the tires, etc. Her whole perspective on the car changes from being a distant admirer, to an up-close admirer, to an up-close owner.

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car - she is...

To Be Continued

Stay tuned next week for Part II.

Reflections

1. Check your heart. Are you making a dating decision too fast?
2. What is the difference between leasing (dating) and owning (marriage)?
3. Are you allowing God to be a part of your mate selection?

Resources

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Read on Bible Gateway

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Read on Bible Gateway

Genesis 2:18

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Read on Bible Gateway

Growing Past Barriers in Your Marriage

God made us to be growing and changing. But we are not always growing at the same rate. Sometimes we experience slow growth, and others times fast growth. A growth spurt is usually preceded by a period of rest and even complacency, followed by a period of difficulty and frustration, followed by a determination to choose faith over fear. When faith is excercised and the barrier is past, there is once again a period of rest.

The Sound Barrier

In 1947 Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound. As pilots approached the speed of sound they experienced a barrier called a shock wave. When they hit the shock wave, their plane shook and they retreated. Many pilots died in crashes. But Yeager found that when he accelerated past the sound barrier the plane flew well. Before the barrier is reached, there is resistance. After the barrier is reached, there is peace.

There were planes which could break the sound barrier prior to Yeager. When these pilots went up and approached the speed of sound, the plane shook violently. The more the plane shook, the more frightened the pilot became. When a pilot would try to slow the plane down, often he would crash. The same thing happened to other pilots because they responded to the resistance with fear and backed off from their attempt to achieve a break through.

When Chuck Yeager attempted to break the sound barrier, all the same things happened. His plane shook violently and he became afraid. But, he responded differently to his circumstances. Instead of giving up and slowing down, he decided, "if I am going to die, I am going to go out in style." Instead of slowing down, he sped up and the rest is history. It's okay to be afraid, because everyone encounters fear. But what you do after that makes all the difference.

The Love Barrier

Thankfully God has provided a man and woman some "rocket fuel" to get their marriage off the ground. This fuel is potent stuff. I am speaking figuratively about the onboard hormones (and biochemicals) which drive mutual attraction. These are more than sufficient to bring about feelings of being "in love." When two people are "in love" there is a sort of magical effortlessness to the relationship. It is this effortlessness that drives the two together.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon how you look at it, this state of effortlessness does not last forever. Eventually it runs it course and the same effortless effect is no longer present. This is when a marriage is most vulnerable to shakes and fears. Life and marriage are not without challenges. At this point there develops a fork in the road. How will the couple interpret this lack of feeling in love? Many couples will conclude that because they are no longer in love, there is no point in staying in the relationship. They fear their own lack of ability to produce effortless love. When love becomes work, they back away in fear.

It takes a certain amount of maturity to break this Love Barrier. Marriage is about hanging into there and pressing forward even in the midst of shakes and fears. Press on, pray, and persevere until you make your break through. You will need to overcome by expanding your horizon. Believe in faith there is something better ahead. If you don’t look out very far, then it is easy to make a hasty decision that looks good in the short term. A short term gain might reduce the immediate pressure, but it will mean the eventual crash of your marriage.

Conclusion

Once you've experienced moving past a barrier, you are forever changed. Your brain chemistry maps a new neurological path directly related to your new experience (of successfully breaking the barrier). The next time you are faced with the same barrier, it will be easier to push through. The same barrier will no longer be challenging to you. Enjoy this time of rest, because God is infinite and there are always new horizons to explore.

Reflections

1. What barriers are you facing in your life? In your marriage?
2. What fears are preventing you from moving forward past the barriers and into doing what is right?
3. Is there anything you need to strenghen your faith? Ask Jesus for it now. When there are strong shakes and fears, consider counseling to help you break the love barrier.

Resources

Romans 5:3-4

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Read on Bible Gateway

James 1:3-4

...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 25:9

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Read on Bible Gateway

God’s Actions Count More

No matter what happens to us apart from God, God's actions always count more. Why is this such an important truth?

To be Human is to be Vulnerable

Our actions affect others to the degree they are vulnerable. God made us able to be vulnerable, but he also gave us the ability to put up walls to keep others out. Even so, there are limits to this defensive ability. We can find ourselves easily hurt if we encounter an unsafe person. We can be “caught with our guard down.” This is exactly what happens to children. Children are naturally more vulnerable – and most of the time that’s a good thing. When we are vulnerable, we are open to learning – learning through relationship and learning information.

To be Human is to be Capable of Abuse

Abuse is when someone more aware and more powerful uses their position to take advantage of those who are less aware and less powerful. When the misuse of power is much greater than the victim’s ability to manage it, the victim’s automatic defenses kick in. Automatic defenses are heavy duty, but their use comes with a cost. Dissociation is the main defense. Dissociation allows the victim to survive horrendous abuse. The cost is the victim loses a part of their self when the walls come up.

Recovering What Was Lost

It can take a long time in a safe, controlled environment to recover from abuse. One of the first steps to recovery is regaining the lost ability to trust. Without trust it is hard to be vulnerable. Without being vulnerable, it is hard to recover. This is what makes recovery so difficult. Usually a person will trust a little again. Then so long as the trust is not further abused, progress is made little by little. This is possible in extreme cases too, but the process takes a lot longer.

The Bad News - Abuse Happens All the Time

So far I’ve been discussing abuse while focusing on person to person interaction. But our battle is not against flesh and blood. It is against evil powers and principalities. The bad news is abuse happens all the time because no one is perfect and evil is real. Anyone on earth can end up in a position of power over others. When we sin (go against what God wants) we give the devil permission to harass us, until we once again realign ourselves under God’s authority.

The Good News - God is On Our Side

The good news is God is good. Whenever we are vulnerable and we encounter God, we are changed for the good. Whatever anyone else has done or said to us, can be washed away by whatever God says. God has infinite power and is infinitely good, so it will trump everything else. When we sense we have power, God wants us to be humble so we don’t hurt his children. However, when we hurt someone, there is forgiveness and God’s healing presence. Therefore, we are never without hope!

Reflections

1. Are there any ways you have recently abused the power you have? Talk to God about it. Ask him to increase your awareness of how you use the authority he's given to you.
2. Are you currently in an abusive relationship? Do you lack the power to appropriately protect yourself? Are you feeling too weak or vulnerable? Find a trusted person - seek out help so you may be strengthened to remove yourself out of the abuse.
3. Are you still hurting from past abuse? Even though you are no longer in any immediate danger, God wants to see you find healing.

Resources

Matthew 18:6

But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Read on Bible Gateway

Romans 8:31

... If God is for us, who can be against us?

Read on Bible Gateway

Forgiveness or Healing

Which comes first? Do we forgive first then experience healing? Or, do we experience healing which allows us to forgive? I’ve been pondering this for several months now. The more I think about it, the more it does appear to be a "chicken and egg" question.

An Important Question

Why is this question relevant? I say it is important because suffering cannot be addressed by a simple black and white answer. When you are actively suffering, there are usually no easy answers. Yes, suffering will work for our ultimate good. But will that knowledge satisfy the person currently in excrutiating pain? For the person not in any kind of pain, it is too easy to address another’s suffering with, “Snap out of it!” Or, “Just don’t think about it anymore.” Or, “God helps those who help themselves.”

Forgiveness is First?

If we say forgiveness must come first, what about the situation where someone is so traumatized by what another has done, they cannot begin to even think about reaching out to someone else? This person is clearly not ready to do anything more than receive care. They need some amount of recovery and restoration before considering other things. Therefore, at least in some cases, forgiveness cannot be first.

Healing is First?

If we say healing must come first, just exactly how much healing is needed? All of it? Isn’t extending forgiveness part of the healing process? Or is it the evidence of health? If someone hasn’t forgiven their offender, they are essentially perpetually waiting for payment of the debt. This is the opportune time for bitterness to take root. Therefore, forgiveness must be completed to enjoy full emotional health.

Forgiveness and Healing are Intertwined

With this puzzle before me, I can only find one way to answer. Forgiveness and Healing are inseparably dependent on each other. You cannot say you are 100% healed if you haven’t completely forgiven your offender. But, many times a person cannot start, let alone complete, the forgiveness process without first receiving a heavy dose of healing.

This means there are two "stages" to healing fully. The first stage has nothing to do with forgiveness or the offender, but has everything to do with our basic needs for security and safety. Where strength was taken, it must be restored. Concern for the immediate necessities of life take precident over forgiveness. We must have our hope restored that life is worth living before entertaining forgiveness. Yet, when a person is strong enough to resent another person for what has been done, they would appear to have the strength to extend forgiveness.

The 7 Steps to Complete Healing

While forgiveness is essential to complete healing, it is not essential to start healing. A foundation of being able to extend forgiveness to another is the capacity to sense exactly how much one has been forgiven by God. In this security, in God’s power, we can then offer the same comfort to another. So we might summarize the relationship between forgivess and healing as follows:

1. You recognize how you are hurt by someone.
2. You receive care as needed to restore your basic functioning and sense of personal safety.
3. You consider what is to become of your offender; you consider forgiveness over revenge.
4. Forgiving releases you from the burden of collecting a debt that cannot be collected. Being able to forgive is evidence you have accepted God's forgiveness for your sins. Forgive from God's strength, not your own.
5. You might be completely healed at this point, or simpley cleared to pursue further healing.
6. Look to God to provide the healing needed.
7. Pray for you offender out of the comfort and healing you have received.

This is a dyamic process (not necessarily a sequential one). When you've reached step 7, or 5, etc. you might still need to return to step 2 to receive further care. It might take short amount of time, and it also might take a long amount of time. No time limit can be placed on this process.

Reflections

1. Where are you at in the 7 steps to Healing?
2. What is difficult about forgiving your offender? What do you need to help you be able to forgive?
3. What has getting hurt revealed about you? Have any weaknesses been uncovered that require further healing?
4. Some burdens (hurts) are too much to carry alone. Seek help from others when you need it.

Resources

Galatians 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Read on Bible Gateway

1 Peter 5:6-11

... Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ... And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Read on Bible Gateway

3 Steps When You are Overwhelmed

Life happens. What do you do when it's not what you were expecting? If God is loving, how come He allows (seemingly) random tradgedies in our lives? When we are in serious pain, it is easy to push a (seemingly) passive God further away. Sometimes it even feels God is aggressively destroying us. How does God stand idlely by? Should our goal be to rid ourselves of pain? What other thing do you instinctually grab for even when the "right answer" is before you? These questions can be summarized down to one other question. Who (or what) do you really trust in? We know the Bible says God is trustworthy. Often God doesn't feel trustworthy. What can you do when you feel overwhelmed?

Endure Hardship

Endure. Be still. Refocus. We can accept hardship as discipline. Can we? Does it work? What happens when we are already not trusting God, and something (else) terrible happens? God has "rejected us", so we want to reject Him! Maybe that is good. Because, the God we are angry at is not the true God. We should reject the false God and look to the true God. We can accept hardship in our lives. The trick is to see it in the right light. Most of the time we see hardship as negative - an indication that God has removed His love from us. But Hebrews 12:5-11 turns this around. Hardship proves we are legitimately God's child.

Fear or Faith

When we are overwhelmed, it leaves the door open for fear. In the midst of feeling overwhelmed, check in with yourself. How high is your fear level? Are you a conduit of fear or faith? Fear has a way of disrupting life and making matters much worse than they are (pretty much true of any kind of darkness). The Bible says perfect love casts out fear. Each day, find some way to open the door to God's love.

Cast your Anxiety

We can open ourselves by casting our anxiety on God. God knows we suffer, because He suffered too. There is no better way to suffer than to suffer in the presence of God. With our faith, we trust again that God will hear. We pour out our feelings to God, so God can fill us with good things - perfect love. This is not an easy process. Grieving never is. But it is on the path to healing.

Reflections

1. Is it easier to endure hardship when you know (you really feel) you are God's child?
2. When you are overwhelmed, pay attention to how much you responding in fear or in faith. Are you surprised? How much is pure fear?
3. How do you feel about pouring out your anxiety in faith?
4. Jesus, help us turn to you when our circumstances do not make sense. Teach us to trust. Amen.

Resources

Hebrews 12:5-11

... Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ...

Read on Bible Gateway

1 John 4:18

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Read on Bible Gateway

1 Peter 5:6-11

... Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ... And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Read on Bible Gateway

Where to Focus

Happy Valentine's day! I hope your weekend is enjoyable. Forming a healthy, mature marriage relationship is one of the hardest things you can set out to accomplish. To make it easier to know how you are progressing, let's divide marriage growth into three stages. These stages are overlapping in the sense it is possible to be working in all three at the same time. But each stage builds on the previous one.

#1 The Preparing Stage

The goal in this stage is to emerge with two healthy adults. But individuals in this stage are not mature enough to sustain a healthy relationship. If too much pressure (expectation) is applied, conflict will result and the relationship will fail. This collision is setup when two people meet and fall in love instantly - only to find out later they did not know the person as well as they thought they did. Each person needs to be able to function as a whole person. If you are in the stage and are already married, you will need invest significant time and effort before you will see the fruits of your labor.

#2 The Practicing Stage

The goal in this stage is to emerge with two adults who know how to work together as a team. The individuals are healthy enough to practice being a team – but they are not yet skilled at teamwork. Functioning as an individual is different than as a team. Teamwork takes time to learn. The individuals probably do not have a clear picture of their overall marriage objective(s). This will take time to define and negotiate. Be prepared to uncover areas which require a closer look at your individual health.

#3 The Performing Stage

The goal in this stage is to put the team to good use. The individuals know how to function as a team. They have energy reserves to pursue a purpose greater than they can individually. The can find a common objective and pursue it together. If any growth is needed here, it might simply be spiritual growth that allows the couple to seek God and understand His plan for their marriage.

Reflections

1. What stage best characterizes your marriage?
2. If your greatest need is the first stage, consider individual counseling or pre-marital counseling.
3. If you need help in the second stage, consider marriage counseling.
4. If you consistently reach the third stage, consider mentoring other couples!

Resources

Genesis 2:24-25

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Read on Bible Gateway

Experiencing God Meeting Your Needs

God made us to have needs. How do you respond when God appears out of reach? It cuts to the core. It's easy to respond negatively. What's really going on here?

The Fox and the Grapes

A famished fox saw a cluster of ripe grapes hanging from a trellised vine. She resorted to all her tricks to get at them, but wearied herself in vain, for she could not reach them. At last she turned away, hiding her disappointment and saying: "The Grapes are sour, and not ripe as I thought."

Wanting Something But Cannot Get It

Has this ever happened to you? You want something, but you cannot get it, and so you despise it? It is easy to despise what you cannot get. Then there is cognitive dissonance - wanting something, but not wanting it. What is cognitive dissonance? It's a tension. When we are frustrated it is tempting to take an easy way out. It is the place where you reach where you hold seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. It is a place of confusion - uncertainty. When you find yourself frozen in your tracks and unable to make a decision, you might be experiencing C.D. Why else would you feel that way? That's got to be tough - to want something so badly, but realize it's beyond your grasp. The easy way out is to pretend you never needed in the first place.

More than Grapes

This applies to dating, and a whole lot of other things too. It applies to our hopes and dreams. It applies to our efforts. It applies to our self-worth. How? When we want something, but cannot attain it, it is certainly frustrating! Frustration combined with some unhealthy thinking leads to turning the frustration inward - taking it out on yourself. And wah-la --- you are not just despising what you cannot get, you are despising yourself because you cannot get what you want. "I guess I didn't deserve that anyway" or "I guess God doesn't want me to have that" or "That must have been a bad thing for me because God isn't allowing me to have it" "The grapes are sour anyway - I know it".

Alternatives to Sour Grapes

Are there alternatives? You can get a ladder. Get some help! Are the grapes worth getting or not? Is the land flowing with milk and honey worth it or not? Or "is the land full of giants?" The land is spoiled. Unattainable. God won't be with us. He doesn't want the best for us. We are like grasshoppers. We can't do it. I didn't want it anyway. I am not worthy of such good grapes. I'll take the sure bet - what I can achieve on my own.

What else can you do? You can look for lower hanging grapes. The grapes aren't sour, they are presently out of reach. You can get them eventually. Don't give up. Be patient. Be persistant. Be determined. Buy time. Don't take your eye off the prize.

Reflections

Ask yourself - how does the fox feel about himself when he cannot get he grapes? Can he feel very good if he "curses" the grapes? What are the grapes in your life? Would you like some help to reach your grapes? I love helping people reach their grapes through focused determination and insights that help them see themselves as God sees them, and help people see God as he really is - a grape provider. Or, as we are sheep, God is a grass provider.

Resources

Numbers 13:32-33

And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 23:1

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.

Read on Bible Gateway

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.

Experience can clash with expectations, as, for example, with buyer's remorse following the purchase of an expensive item. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.

Read more on wikipedia

From Disease to Ease

How do you know when you are lacking in self-care? When you are in a state of Dis-Ease.

Consequences of Poor Self-Care

A major effect of poor self-care is losing awareness of what you are feeling, usually before it is too late. When you are tired, hungry, overly stressed out, or in bad physical shape, you may be more emotionally reactive. For example, think about a time when you were feeling overwhelmed with your circumstances. Was harder for you to manage your emotions? Did you snap at people who did not deserved it? Did you start crying for no apparent reason? Were you overly anxious and not sure why? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you likely were so disconnected from your feelings, that you reacted more strongly to a situation that warrented. This results in feeling confused by your display of emotion. Having poor self-care habits will interfere with responding to a situation in an appropriate manner. The following is a partial list of symptoms to help you identify if you need better self-care:

• Diminished concentration
• Confusion
• Questioning the meaning of life
• Questioning prior convictions
• Apathy
• Rigidity
• Self-doubt
• Memory problems
• Powerlessness - helplessness
• Shutting down - numbness
• Hypersensitivity
• Sleep disturbances
• Appetite changes
• Negative coping (alcohol, drug, or other substance misuse)
• Increased conflict
• Difficulty breathing
• Twitches
• Chest pain
• Headaches

Greater Awareness - The First Step to Better Self-Care

What is the opposite of self-care? Self-injury. We can harm ourselves by either staying in harms way (enduring abuse) or staying away from loving care (enduring neglect). Sometimes we don't have a choice. We must complete a task - or - we are too young or weak to escape. How do we survive when faced with ongoing harm? If we must walk through harm's way long enough, we will desensitize ourselves. We will ignore or forget about the pain and symptoms.

As adults we usually have a choice. Why do so many forgo self-care? It is simply a matter of priorities. We can say we are committed to our ideals, but our true priorities are revealed by what we do. There is a tradeoff between speed and efficiency, accomplishment and longevity. We can accomplish a lot more (in the moment) when we are disconnected from our feelings. But, long-term our bodies will deteriorate, and chances our, we will die sooner.

Better self-care starts with better awareness of our bodies. We've all been to the doctor for a check-up. When was the last time you did a self check-in? A check-in is simply sitting quietly to sense what is happening in your body and reconnect what has become disconnected. Ask yourself the following. What am I feeling in my body? Where am I feeling it? Why might I be feeling it this way? Consider these three areas:

• Sleep: do I feel exhausted or rested and refreshed?
• Food: do I feel weak and lethargic or strong and energetic?
• Maintenance: am I in pain and carrying tension (disease) or am I relaxed and at ease?

Many people think of self-care as a luxury, when God intended us to always care for ourselves. Chronic denial of self-care is an indication of a deeper issue. At New Reflections Counseling, we provide a safe place for you to "tune-in" and understand what is happening. If you want help with self-care, contact us at New Reflections Counseling. If it is okay to go to the gym or doctor for physical health, then it is okay to go to a counselor for your emotional health.

Reflections

On an airplane, an oxygen mask descends in front of you. What do you do? As we all know, the first rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. Only when we first help ourselves can we effectively help others. Caring for yourself is one of the most important—and one of the most often forgotten—things you can do as a caregiver. When your needs are taken care of, the person you care for will benefit, too.

What is your oxygen mask? What will help you breath easier? What actions do you need to take for better health?

Resources

Luke 10:27
And he answered, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself."

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway